Thursday, February 21, 2013

An Interview with a Zombie Exterminator





Good afternoon Neeta. It's so good to finally meet you.

It's a pleasure, Amanda.  I appreciate this chance to tell folks about zombie extermination.  It's a growing specialization--unfortunately, because the demand is still growing--but every one of us hopes to work ourselves out of a job eventually.

So, tell me, why did you choose your career path as a zombie exterminator?

It's a family business.  My mother, God rest her soul, was a single mom working as a general exterminator when she and her partner inadvertently stumbled upon a huge zombie infestation  while investigating what a cemetery thought were rats.  She and her partner discovered they had a talent for mowing down zombies.  (In this case, literally.  That riding lawn mower saved more than a few lives that night.)  Since there was obviously a need, they specialized.  Mom was a real activist for the cause of zombie extermination and prevention as well.  I hope she looks at my efforts with the reality TV show, Zombie Death Extreme as another way of building awareness.

What makes a good zombie exterminator? 

Strength:  strong arms, strong will, strong nerves… and a strong stomach.  You also need to be able to think on your feet.  Zombies, as we've come to learn, are far more variable than we saw in the movies.  It's amazing what can be used against them.  That's why I urge everyone to remember that your best defense against a zombie is not that butcher knife on the counter, but the cleaning products under the counter, the hamburger in the fridge, and the television.  (Turn it on and run!)

What's the best way to kill a zombie?

You have to destroy the brain:  sever the spine at the neck.  Decapitation, smash their brains.  Setting them on fire works well if they're I an advanced state of decay, but sometimes, that only stalls them enough to give you a chance to go for the neck.

Do you have a favorite weapon?

Chainsaw and a supersoaker full of TidyToidy.  They're the most effective, IMHO, but the chainsaw does get heavy.  I train a lot.

How does one secure one's home against the undead?

First, attitude.  Often an ARM (Animated Rotting Meat) will return to a familiar place--a home, workplace, bar…  Some people still think it's a miracle that their loved one is returning from the dead.  It's not--it's a tragedy in the making.  These are not people anymore.  I can't state that enough.  A moment's hesitation at seeing Uncle Joe can cost you your life--and maybe bring you back to hurt those you love.

Second, cell phone and car keys.  Most major cities have a skilled Z-Mat team and exterminators on call.  Get in your car and dial 9-1-1 as you speed away.  Some zombies are fast, but none can outrun a speeding car.

Third, cleaning products.  We don't know why, but with few exceptions, cleaning products will repel zombies.  Not the enviro-friendly stuff, however.  Bleach. Amonia.  You know those scrubbing bubbles?  Those are actually kind of funny to watch--but don't delay your escape to get some video on your cell phone!  Trust me, YouTube is not worth your life!

After that, imagination is your best defense.  Some zombies can be deflected by cigarettes; others by a beer.  Some will stop dead (pardon the pun) to watch Days of Our Lives.  In the Middle East, many devout families nonetheless keep a package of bacon in their refrigerators just for zombie defense.  Whatever you do, however, try it and run.


Is it true that if you blend in with a horde of zombies and pretend to be one, they will leave you alone?

No.  Oh, please, please, Amanda!  If any of your readers believes that tell them no!  They may get distracted by a pound of raw hamburger, but they can definitely tell the difference between a fresh brain and an undead one!

Thank you so much for your time.

No problem.  I hope folks will take a look at the book Karina Fabian wrote about some of my adventures on the Zombie Death Extreme Set.  It's called Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator.  It's a fun way to learn more about zombies and zombie defense.

Purchase links:

Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator :  http://amzn.to/hTqMGa
I Left My Brains in San Francisco: http://amzn.to/Nzm01L
Learn more about the Zombie Exterminator novels at http://zombiedeathextreme.com
Find out about all of Karina Fabian’s books at http://fabianspace.com

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