Thursday, May 9, 2013

Josie Gump on Keeping Zombies "Fresh"

Josie Gump in Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator mistakenly believed her late Jebadiah, who came back from the grave to plop himself in the easy chair to demand beer and watch Jerry Springer, was somehow still a person, but “life-challenged.”  She'd like to share that story with you today.  May I present, Mrs. Josie Gump:

Well, this is all rather personal, but the Zombies Are People, Too Movement asked me about I was “keeping things fresh” with Jebediah.  No one’s ever asked me for my housekeeping tips, before, and well, Jeb didn’t much care about the house as long as the food was ready when he got home, the beer was cold, and the TV screen clean.

Anyways, I have to admit, it has been a challenge.  At first, it seemed all right—easier, even.  Death has changed him, you see, and while I don’t want to talk bad about nobody, Jeb used to keep tight hold of the money.  Now, though—now, I tell him I want a little extra for new curtains or a better broom, and he just grunts his assent.  And he did show up kind of dirty from digging himself out of the grave, but he didn’t have any problem with me sweeping him off with the whisk broom.  Just so long as I didn’t get between him and the TV, of course.

It’s gotten worse, though.  First, that reporter mentioned a smell.  I thought he meant the house!  I threw him out, even sic’ced Pinky on him.  I’m so embarrassed now, because he was right.  I’ve kind of run through most of the commercially available products.  In desperation, I even tried B to Z FreshAire.  I mean, it says “Bathrooms to Zombies.”  Jeb did not like that!  One spray, and he started groaning, was so mad!  I threw it out.  Later, I found out, it’s zombie repellant!  How horrible is that?  I’m so glad for ZAPT; they’re trying to make that poison illegal.  Anyway, there’s this expensive stuff called Orange Blaze that gets your house all citrusy, but it’s expensive, so if you can’t afford it, lots of Freedbreezy works.

Another unfortunate problem with the “differently living” is, well, insects.  I tried the natural methods—mint, basil, and lavender—but I finally had to break down and get some repellant.  I worry about the dogs, but at least my Jeb never leaves his chair.  I mean, even if I have to run an errand, he just waits so patiently for his next beer!  It’s really a change; he just so gentle now.  Of course, I’d be glad for any suggestions.  I think there are some creatures making a home inside the chair.  I’m so embarrassed.  I’d call an exterminator, but they all seem to specialize in zombie extermination, now.  I have to think of my Jeb.

In the end, it wasn’t the challenge of keeping Jeb fresh that drove Josie over the edge.  She finally turned off the TV in the interest of keeping their marriage “fresh,” whereupon Jeb tried to eat her brains and she realized he’d lied to her again.  She went after him with the shotgun, then sold her home, packed up the dogs and became a spokeswoman for “Zombies Are People-NOT!”

Conclusion:  While there are probably as many ways to keep zombie stories fresh as there are writers, keeping the zombies themselves fresh is quite a challenge.

Purchase links:

Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator :
I Left My Brains in San Francisco:
Learn more about the Zombie Exterminator novels at
Find out about all of Karina Fabian’s books at